Criteria For Adopting Children- Trial by Fire

There are too many children in orphanages around the world and all of them need good homes to live in. The problem is, there are just too damn many of the little brats and not enough people to give half a shit about them. And we all know what happens when those little orphans go bad. So I’ve devised an ingenious plan on how to weed out the little scum into the kids that deserve to be adopted to good god fearing homes from the cretins that don’t belong anywhere.

With all good plans you must be willing to sacrifice some of your pride and dignity. The same goes for the Orphan Weeding process. Now remember some of these ideas may seem to be slightly cruel and some may say that is evil and horrible. But damn it after the selection process has been made you can be damn sure that whatever little orphan you get in the aftermath of the weeding will be stronger and hardier then the rest. Like picking a good horse or steer you don’t pick the ones that are lame, slow moving or timid.

The first series of test will be called the Trial by Fire test. Its rather simple.

• Make sure to scout out an orphanage that is in a relatively unpopulated area. You wouldn’t want anyone meddling in your affairs would you?
• You would need some people to help you with most of the steps so get a few trust worthy friends to help you.
• Acquire the following items: rope, duct tape, kerosene, large stash of marijuana, plywood, empty metal barrel, and finally some matches.
• In the middle of night travel to the orphanage and secure all the windows and doors from the outside with the exception of one.
• With the one door or window that you leave open make sure to leave it shut but still be able to open. This is very important.
• Place the large barrel filled with the marijuana in the lower level of the orphanage.
• Liberally apply the kerosene to to all surfaces that you can find that would increase the odds of a fire to spread. (ex: Curtains, furniture, walls, animals..etc)
• Light the marijuana and the kerosene with your matches and exit through your open door and wait.

Once the previous steps have been completed the trial will begin. Patiently wait for the fire to take. With the building filling up with smoke from both the fire and the marijuana the children that are left to try and escape the burning building will be both blinded and placed under a slight influence of narcotics. This will increase the odds that a child that is quick witted and clear minded will make it out alive. By securing the doors and windows you give the children a chance to use reasoning and logic to determine how to escape.

The end result will be (if any do manage to get out) the orphan who would have the following traits

• Ability to strive under pressure
• Think quickly
• Strong sense of self preservation
• Focused mind
• many more that would be learned later in life…

Once the child that survives the blazing inferno leaves the building grasp them your arms and tell them that they have a new family.

On the remote chance that there are multiple survivors and you are not able to take them all into your family check back for the criteria that will help you weed out the survivors for the perfect orphan.

[Edit: July 1st, 2008]

Check out the followup to this post.

Actually, she sexually forces herself on scientologist [sic] babies… who’ve aborted gay puppies.